yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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