My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
