i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
