She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
