i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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