i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
