I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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