I accidentally had phone sex last night
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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