Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
