Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
