College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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