i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Blood and glitter go together right?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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