Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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