so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
