Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
