Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
