i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
