if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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