M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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