She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
