I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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