Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
