I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Everclear isn't food dammit
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
