Hey man sorry I got all grabby
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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