Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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