Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
