You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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