I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
