He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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