just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
