God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
