My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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