I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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