She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
