There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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