I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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