Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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