he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
