I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
