so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
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