I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
