Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
