I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think my tv is drunk
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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