I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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