i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
