I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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