If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
