I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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