miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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