All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
