Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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